Dear Persons Who Might Want Some Form Of Romantic and/or Physical Connection With Me Currently or In The Immediate To Semi Distant Future,
Firstly, let me assure you that it is not my intent to assume that the group of people contained in the addressee line of this letter are numerous. I do not have an inflated sense of self-worth or vanity or self-importance that causes me to be deluded into believing that this letter will be applicable to very many people. In fact, I believe quite the opposite, which is one of the many reasons this letter needs to be written.
Secondly, I wanted to be very specific and not leave anyone out for whom this letter could be applicable. I have no way to know if this will reach everyone to whom it might apply, because there could, conceivably, be people in this boat who have not rocked said boat. In terms of those in the semi distant future category, we might not have even met yet. When we do, I hope you find this post.
I have some news that is difficult to convey, and my personal best medium for relaying my thoughts seems to be through writing, so I have decided to pour my mind into this post. Forgive my inability to do so in person – this is something I am working on, but it will be a lengthy personal project.
For those of you who are considering making a romantic and/or physical “move” on me currently or in the aforementioned future parameters, please don’t, for reasons I will explain soon.
For those of you who I have ever kissed, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t do that with you, or anyone else, right now. I assure you that it was delightful at the time, but for reasons soon to be explained, I don’t want it to happen again. I am sure that by the end of this letter it will be incredibly obvious that it definitely is me, and not you. There is no cliché at work here that has a “implied” meaning and a “real” meaning. I mean exactly what I wrote.
For those of you who are just meeting me (or will have met me shortly before finding this post) and want to befriend me, please don’t be thrown off by what could potentially come across as an aggressive “everyone stay away from me” statement. That is not what this is; I need a quality network of people in my life more than ever. Let me attempt to explain.
I have recently broken my own heart. It took a while to realize that the damage had been done, but when I bothered to lift up the myriad of boxes in which my heart is contained and shake it about a bit, I could tell something was wrong. My heart has been bruised, and I could hear multiple pieces shuffling around the inner most box. I foolishly thought that I could wrap it in this multitude of boxes to keep it safe, but the container was propped up on a tower of logic that seemed structurally sound; however, it was no match for the gusting winds of emotions. The boxes fell, and I hurt my heart.
Notice that this blame is on me. This is completely true. An argument could be made that nothing is ever completely one-sided, but there was no malice intended from anyone else in the situation that ended in my heart at the centre of a bunch of boxes next to a toppled logic tower. No one needs to decode my message to try to figure out “whodunnit” because it was my fault. I knew the risks, but foolishly thought the logic of my mind could protect the emotions of my heart. I’ve recently realized that they need to work in tandem instead of one overpowering the other. Even with the best intentions, a lop-sided partnership doesn’t work.
I have come to the conclusion that I cannot place my set of boxes within an even bigger box and expect that to solve the problem. Building more walls around my heart is going to suffocate it, and I don’t want that. I need to fix my heart in order to become whole again. I need to do this myself. I need to be able to acknowledge the aspects of myself that are good, and learn to be comfortable and active in that knowledge. I also need to come to terms with the bad things that I have been believing about myself for quite some time, and see to their destruction. I cannot do this very important work with a partner in my life, because that causes me to duct tape the boxes back up and hope for the best instead of opening them all up and piecing my heart back together properly. This new method will take time, and I will not subject anyone to sitting around and having to watch it, because that is not a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean I need solitude, but it does mean that I cannot be an effective partner now or in the foreseeable future. This would not be fair to me, nor you.
Anything more physical than actions of friendship are a cause for my concern, as I don’t want to write them off as just having some fun. I grow attached, and because I haven’t healed fully from previous traumas, I fear that things that have happened in my past will recur. It is not fair to make anyone in my current or future life suffer for something that is in the past, and that list of people to whom it is not fair includes me.
My final words to those addressed in this letter: I would very much enjoy a continuation of our friendship, for that is what I need right now from those in my world. Hugs are a delightful part of life, and encouraged if that is something you enjoy. Depending on your own personality, some causal flirtation (on your part, as I have never figured out how flirting works) might even be fine, but just know I cannot and will not be able to go any further along a path leading away from friendship. I’m not looking for anyone to solve my problems outright, as that is my personal task, but rather people who can be supportive of me when I feel the need to lean. I will try to accept help in finding my great aspects, but I cannot allow anyone to crusade for me. I’ve been standing upright, ever shrinking into myself, for so long that my capacity to do so is becoming very slim. My capacity to be myself and breathe is bound up inside the shrinking body, and I want to re-expand my real self. I don’t want to disappear. I don’t want to hide. I just want to figure out how to be myself in a healthy, happy manner, and the best way anyone can help me with that is to be my friend.