On Self

I’ve having challenges when it comes to learning to love myself.

I think of myself in general terms. I’m awesome. I sometimes express intelligent ideas. I can be funny. I am helpful. However, there is an underlying darkness that waits just off stage to jump on any negative action, thought or event. This darkness sends everything flailing off the stage, into the pit and the things that live there, out of normal sight, are extremely unpleasant – unlike orchestra pit musicians with whom I have worked before, as they are great people.

I know that I have a lot of good qualities, but these are glossed over when something negative happens, because I take on the blame for whatever occurs. A customer at work is upset, and I feel personally attacked. Circumstances of a friendship change, causing or caused by some hurt, and I feel I am to blame. I don’t know how to act in a social situation, and I am a freak, and this is, of course, my fault.

I have been reflecting on self care recently, and a lot of my musings are contributory. Part of me feels like I should get some rest and stay home this evening. Another part of me feels like this is just my usual pattern of hiding, and I should attend an event to which I have been invited that sounds fun. Which is more caring to myself? Do I rest at home, alone, or challenge myself with a social event that I would like to attend?

I think it will be beneficial for me to set some defined goals for what I want to achieve in the next little while, but I fear disappointing myself if I don’t reach these goals. Since my pessimism is rather precariously perched, I want to find a away to build more of a foundation to keep it from toppling on me. There are activities I enjoy, and that make me feel good, when I am currently doing them, but thinking about stopping everything to get them done (they seem like an obligation), makes them less desirable until I can actually bring myself to doing them. I need to learn how to make time for things that are good for me, and I also need to continue to realize that this is no selfish, because by working on myself, those around me will benefit from me being happier, healthier and more able to be in love with myself. Right now, taking time for myself feels as though I am taking time away from helping others, and I have always been better at supporting those around me rather than myself.

One goal for next month is actually completing NaNoWriMo. I have tried 5 times before and failed, because I give up on myself. This will be the year I get my 50,000 words down. I just need to keep telling myself it is only 50,000 words, not 50,000 brilliant words.

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