Considering the steps I am taking in my life right now, an outsider might make the logical decision that the emotion I should be feeling in this exact moment would be happiness. Although I do feel that, in an incredibly strong way, I also have other emotions warring for my attention at the moment.
Part of this has to do with the fact that my S.A.D. really hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I didn’t want to leave the warm embrace that being in bed provided. I didn’t want to consider the best way to clothe myself given my options. I didn’t want to step outside the door. I feel like I should have given up and just stayed in bed.
I suppose the fact that I assumed that it would be an unbarable temperature outside doesn’t do much to convince me that getting out of the embrace, the bed, the room, the house, was a good idea. I tend to only feel absolute delight at freezing in my skin when I am surrounded by snow, as it reminds me of the beauty that can exist in any situation if you look for it. It is not often that I am honestly happy when I can feel the temperature of my skin slip lower and lower. Seriously, who enjoys being cold when they could stay safe and warm instead?
I feel like I need to experience the cold. Maybe I will even come to terms with it.
Staying in bed is not practical, on a couple of levels. Firstly, other people depend on me. Secondly, I don’t surrender.
Something I do that is similar to surrender is supress. I used to think that my record of not showing strong emotions meant that others would see me as strong, and who doesn’t want those around them to see them as strong? Although I know I do have a myriad of strength, I use that as a crutch to supress what I am really feeling at the moment.
I want to put a stop to that. I want to live through whatever emotions hit me, and work through whatever they mean. As weird as it sounds, and as terrifying as it feels to both want and admit it, I ache to cry in a public setting sometime soon. I have always absolutely detested the notion of any other human being, be they family, friend, foe or partner, even being aware of the fact that I might cry, let alone actually witnessing the event. I need to give up the facade of absolute strength and give myself over to whatever emotions have been buried throughout my life.
Would it kill this day to provide a little sunshine? I plan to nourish myself well today, to keep the S.A.D. at bay, but I hope that at some point when I am not rushing to or sitting at work, I’ll allow myself to sit through this wave of emotion and just let it ebb and flow. I suppose I am letting it do so by writing this post on my walk/bus ride toward the events of my day.
I’ve always been much more comfortable with the notion that “The Show Must Go On.”