On Emptiness

It comes from a place of emptiness
This self loathing that creeps into my mind
And crawls into my body
There is space inside me that I have not filled
A puzzle without all the pieces
I find it hard to describe the big picture
So I speak in general terms
Knowing logically that the scene is
Overall positive
But lights pop because of the darks
I know both are present
My darkness distracts me
And I have great difficulty
Identifying the spaces of light
What are they? What do they mean?
I know they are there but I am blind to them
My light burns holes in my eyes
And the dark rushes in
Filling my vision with doubt and fear
But I have figured out what to put
Into the spaces that are currently empty
They don’t exist because I lack
Intelligence, personality, beauty
These places that feel like holes
Are only missing love for myself
Once that swells
Expands and spreads
There will be no more void
As I just haven’t learned how to
Design that room inside my soul yet

Manipura Song

When we lock eyes
It’s no surprise
My butterflies
Start to rise
And they socialize
Gossiping about my demise
As I stutter and the moment flies

The world still turns
But this fire burns
And my fear earns
A doubt that spurns
And my mind yearns
As my stomach churns
To find the moment when this feeling adjourns

Yellow energy
From the centre of me
Sputters angrily
Wishing I would see
The power in activity
That comes with unity
If I could share my truth, not flee

But I can
It might take a plan
To find where I stand
Get my head out of the sand
I’ll be in awe
Of my own law
When I am free to do as I want

On Burning

The gentle heat that swelled in my soles is now a roaring flame
That licks at my my skin and travels through the bones of my legs
And into my heart
Sickness overtakes my chest, closing my throat, putting dangerous
Pressure on delicate facets of my face, every changing and moving
Daring it to break
My soul intertwines with my soles in a quest to erupt from my heart
To allow all of my feelings to surface instead of bubbling and tossing
Below the surface
My walls are built high and hide secrets even from my mind that
Serve to scare me, to worry me, to make me wonder what is so
Important but unviewable
I am working to unlock my truth, to fell things deeper than the fear
That guards my purpose, my dignity, my ability to understand
That I do belong
Not only do I matter, but I am enough, and soon I will freely stroll
Through my own life instead of feeling like I am bouncing off
More worthy people’s lives

And I will melt the path with my firey soles
And blaze my trail into fully knowing myself

On Sickness

Does anyone else find themselves becoming a complete baby when they catch a cold?

I hear my voice get whinier, feel my energy get lower, feel parts of my body that usually go on existing without my constant attention start to doing inexplicable things and I never seem to stomp out the impending attack before it is a full-blown festival of general annoyance.

I can’t take time off work. Besides the fact that I am the only person in my department, I always view it as unfair to whoever has to cover me, and unfair to myself because I am then stressed because things don’t get done the way I would have done them (or I am mopping up after issues that had nothing to do with me). I also don’t want my paycheque to suffer because my immune system cannot keep it together. The Show Must Go On.

I considered taking my boss up on the offer to go home, have a nap and work from home after a rest, but my building is noisy right now, so it seems like more of a hassle than it would be worth in nap time.

I’m only really beginning to understand that I should have a mental checklist that I go through every day to make sure I am taking care of myself. Most of my habits were engrained long ago (brush my teeth, brush my hair, et cetera and so forth) but monitoring my energy levels, correcting unbalanced levels of heating/cooling in my body and ensuring every day is a good nutrition day should really make it on to that unwritten list, so I can avoid what seem to be inevitable sicknesses throughout the colder months.

I haven’t done this before on this blog, but I would like to pose a question: how do you make sure you are taking care of yourself?

Despite all my actions of general healthiness, I haven’t really figured out how to do that yet.

(Edit: I really don’t write as well as I usually do when sick, I noticed. My specific flavour of prose seems to be missing. I want my awesome cadence back!)

Swathisthana Song

Smooth as a ripe peach, and sweet as a berry
She surrendered the urge to be ordinary
Craving the wild, she went on a quest
And where she found her bliss, she’d have never guessed

 Explore your options, come push or pull
Consume the stillness, until your body is full
Flow with life’s changes, wherever they go
Create your own beauty and help it to grow

 “Desire, Desire,” she called to the moon
Waves lapped on her body, making her croon
Denying her nature services not her need
Embracing pleasure, heart and soul feed

 Explore your options, come push or pull
Consume the stillness, until your body is full
Flow with life’s changes, wherever they go
Create your own beauty and help it to grow

 Spent like rent money, she sleeps in delight
Her soul fills the page, until day turns to night
She stops her mind running, but that passes to feet
She sprints with her lover and the passion is sweet

 Explore your options, come push or pull
Consume the stillness, until your body is full
Flow with life’s changes, wherever they go
Create your own beauty and help it to grow

Muladhara Song

The curve of her hips indent the earth
As she rolls in your embrace
Brown and red dirt clings to her skin
She feels safe in this place
Gravity pulls her away from all fear
As an anchor pulls on a rope
Grounded, she knows she is secure
Comfort brings joy and hope

Oh, oh, the world in balance again
Oh, oh, a mix of pleasure and pain
Oh, oh, let go of all stress
Oh, oh, she is truly blessed

 Collecting energy and following its lead
She blazes her own trail
Living simply in this swirling vortex
Releasing old betrayals
She only has her set time on this globe
To survive in her loving body
Love must start within her own heart
Then she can truly be free

 Oh, oh, the world in balance again
Oh, oh, a mix of pleasure and pain
Oh, oh, let go of all stress
Oh, oh, she is truly blessed

On Forgiveness

There have been many times in my life where people have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. I am not unique in this experience; we all trip sometimes. My difference tends to be that I have an abundance of forgiveness for the crack in the pavement that sends me hurling toward the sidewalk, but last night I finally learned something incredibly important.

Perhaps the crack has always been there, or has been their longer than I’ve been traveling my path. Perhaps I could have seen it and avoided it if I had paid attention to where I was going; I could have taken more notice of what was around me, what was ahead of me, and what was inside me. But even with numerous precautions, sometimes we trip. It may be only a stumble, or it may be a full-on sprawl, drawing blood and forming bruises. In the end, my habit of tripping has always been the same; I internalize the pain, so no one can see how much I hurt. I pick myself up, brush myself off and lock this misfortune deep inside my mind. I completely forgive the crack in the sidewalk, and keep going on my path, hoping that no one is the wiser.

I’ve always missed an extremely important step, because I didn’t realize that instead of numbing the pain, this step would remove it. Sure, the side effects might include tears, or people knowing that I fell and how hard, but instead of icing my wound, this step heals it.

Last night I learned to forgive myself. Instead of taking all the blame for the crack in my path, because I can always logically explain its existence, which causes me to acknowledge its purpose and absolve it of its sins against me, I have finally opened my heart to allow myself some of that abundance of forgiveness that I have given to others in the past. Perhaps some people didn’t deserve it, but I gave it anyway. If I share my forgiveness with someone who intentionally threw me at the sidewalk, I should be able to extend that courtesy to myself; however, I’ve always interpreted their shove as my fault, as though I have some inherent flaw that makes sense as to why I deserved to fall.

Not anymore. I still have a myriad of forgiveness for those in my life who misstep over their own cracks and bump against me, aiding in my downfall. Now, however, while I am forgiving them for my scraped knee, I can also forgive myself for my role in the fall.

The moment I forgave myself, I felt nothing short of hysterical bliss. It seems so funny that it took me so long to afford myself the same kindness I give to those around me, but I am truly grateful to have found this peace.