Today was gloomy. I love the smell of rain, and I love the sound of rain. Why did I start feeling low when the grey clouds rolled in? Why did my vampires arise? What the hell was going on, considering how terrific my life is going at the moment?
Oh, yeah. S.A.D. is back. Great.
I am always flabbergasted when this time of year comes around and I start getting Seasonal Affective Disorder again. You would think I would remember that this happens every Fall/Winter, and yet I seem to forget about it when it Spring rolls around. How I forget that I spend half the year in a fog of miserable, negative feelings is beyond me. I must block it out.
I don’t ever remember how I have dealt with it in the past. Every year I do a Google search for treatments, reread the same Wikipedia article, and think that maybe it is time to get one of those lamps. I make a mental note to remember my multivitamins. But I don’t really recall how I got through it, day-to-day. I just muddle through, and I’m sure that I have lots of high moments, but I have a feeling that I have a lot of miserable moments that I choose to forget because those times are unpleasant.
I likely block it out because it embarrasses the hell out of me that something as trivial as weather (and weather that I love, to boot!) can change me into someone even I don’t want to be around. I supress it, and try to make it go away by ignoring it. I pretend it isn’t a problem, which is something at which I am skilled.
I don’t want to do that any more.
I am making a concious choice, right this evening, to manage this disorder instead of letting Fall and Winter life pass me by. While I’ve been thinking, for the last few weeks, about how the season will turn soon, I have been delighting in thoughts of hot toddies, sweaters, cuddling, blankets, tea and a certain box set of a science fiction show to whom I shall soon be introduced. I want to continue to be excited about all of these things, and everything else that life has to offer me.
I went running today for the first time in a few weeks, and that really helped. Pushing my mind into this activity, and the blood flowing through my brains, lifted my mood. I need to remember that, and act on it. I need to concentrate more on self care. I need to continue to surround myself with people who hug me, as that always helps.
I am going to live, not just live through this.